the perfect sweatshirt

of course it's all gone to hell, already. and i'm the one that sent it there. Dana's gone. i broke up with her in one of the most mature, adult, well considered and logical moves of my life. and i feel a complete bastard about it. i know that it was going in a bad direction, personally, with me hollowing out, catching myself saying things i didn't mean in the least. and that's no kind of a way to be. so i ended it before i made a complete farce of what was good and true in it. but there wasn't a way to do that and make her understand, too, that i never had any wish to do her harm, and even now i regret that the only route to the preservation of what was right with it was also the end of it. not to sound like a chasing- my- own- tail first year philosopher, but that was the rub of it. i care enough to not want to hurt her, but i still had to do what i did. regrettably, that did hurt her. more regrettably, she can't understand how i can care so much but still not want to be with her. and i can't explain something like that, but i knew where i was headed with it, and i didn't like it. so i fixed it. and yeah, i feel guilt about it, and more than a twinge of regret, but the deed's done and i'm not happy about it, no, but i know i did right. but the villany of it- the requisite villany- still hangs on me, heavy. and i beg for validation and affirmation from my friends, who all tell me i did right, but the only thing that can really lift the weight from me is her forgiveness, and i don't think i'll be seeing that anytime soon.
time, though, time ought to free her of the hurt. and so, too, free me of my burden.
i'm sorry, and i hope even if you don't forgive me, you understand.
or vice versa.

is giving me a goddamn headache, and i'm really not in the mood. i'm honestly sick of worrying/false guilt. all the time. or more time than i should be devoting to it, anyway. ugh.

got a girlfriend.
got promoted.

between those 2 things alone, i'm never going to have the energy/inspiration to use this again. but i've quit quitting too many times to quit, now. you queefs.

and i'm never finishing the new york entry.
or doing the first kiss story.
or any of the subsequent awesome yet overtly cutesy stories. partially because it's obnoxious, but mostly because i have to tell it to your face so i can get all bright eyed and enthused. ask me about it someday.

goodnight.

i have a girlfriend?
story when the new york epic is finished.

it was awesome.
and i'm actually itching to tell a different story entirely, but i promised myself i'd do the nyc entry eventually so i gotta get it done before i pave over it with new memories.
so last thursday i went to new york city, by way of wilmington and a very helpful joey and chrystina (max tagged along, too.) and jessica. and after playing a few rounds of street fighter against joey (i cannot believe he beat me. seriously. that kid matched me, even. which is equal parts thrilling and dissapointing) they saw me off on my train. which took forever. i had a root beer while i was waiting.
root beer's good.
so it's a 3 hour train ride (almost) and ii spent most of it sleeping and drooling on myself with my headphones on. carl picked me up at the station and i got coffee and a bagel for the walk/ride to brooklyn. which only took about an hour. i must digress, momentarily, though, for a quick biography of my duffel bag.

my duffel bag:
is blue. and enormous. i found it in the shed when i was cleaning. it has super storage capacity and also front pouches for my trillions of electronicals i bring everywhere. and it has rolly-wheels and an extendo-handle. for pussy-ass bitches who can't deal with a simple shoulder sling. and i packed more shit than i needed, but not much more. and okay, i was regretting bringing such a big bag for such a small trip, but in the end i think i bought so much shit i don't know how i would have transported it any other way.

so it's kind of a big bag. kind of a pain in the ass, but whatever. it's full of stuff. and it's not that bad a trip to brooklyn. so we get back to carl's apartment. and it's a really nice apartment. it's 2 goddamn floors. yeah, i know, right? 2 floors. and his apartment is downstairs next to the laundry room. it has the most overactive heater in existance. and a cat. and we talk for a few minutes, in the almost-sleep dark, the way we used to way back in college when we were roommates and i'd keep him up half the night just having lightless discussions about girls, movies, comedy, the nature of humanity (idiots) and so forth. throwback roommate sleepover discussions. always unnecessary. always awesome. i miss carl.

the next day we wake up and carl has class till about 2. the convention center dosen't even open until 4, so we've got plenty of time. he leaves me his keys in case i need to go anywhere for anything (me walking around new york alone: scary, scary) and goes to class. i mostly laze around the house and try to make friends with the cat. i shower and prepare for the convention. bag, doublecheck tickets, money count, etc. read some book carl got at the convention last year. then at 2pm, carl calls me and asks me if i want to go to the museum of sex.
-"the wha?"
-"the museum. of sex"
-"um. sure? why am i going to this?"
-"there's a couple girls from my class who want to go. i kinda got roped into it."
-"are they cute?"
so he texts me subway directions to get there, and i go down to the subway stop (which i totally walked by once) and refill my metro card for the weekend (i had $16 on it, and i think by the end of the weekend there was $1.50 left) and got on the train. of course i had to flip open my phone 200 times to make sure i was getting off at the right stop, but i did, and carl found me at the exit and we went to the museum of sex.
now
the first floor of the museum of sex is pretty interesting. with exhibits on the history and psycology of different fetishes and weird sexual practices. it all sort of needs to be taken with a grain of salt though, anyway, which made the terribly studious looking old ladies with these scholarly looks on their faces the most peculiar and puzzling exhibit in the place. but basically interesting and a valid subject for a "museum."
the upstairs of the museum of sex is the history of porn.
the history. of porn.
it's just a bunch of screens mounted with different clips of porn. little display cards hang beside them, explaining the relavance of each particular screen. but the weirdest thing about the second floor is it's design. because there are all these creepy nooks built into it, and tv's built into the walls. so you're just standing there when the tv on the wall behind you starts moaning. disturbing. and one of the old ladies touched my butt. finally, the last room on the 2nd floor went back to being an honest to goodness museum, featuring the history and use of sexual, er, equipment.
worth my $15? no. but interesting.
then we got something to eat (i carefully consumed the world's sloppiest quesidilla)and bought myself a birch beer. in a can. which i drank with a straw. you're fancy as hell if you drink soda from a can by a straw. you just are. and we walked up to the convention center against the biting cold, both lamenting the lack of gloves/hats/scarves. because the jacob javits center is at least half a mile from anything. annoying. so we get there, go in, change my online tickets for our weekend passes, go down some stairs, get out lanyards and official comicon neckstraps, and get in line to enter the convention proper. just one thing, though. the line is BACK OUTSIDE. ugh. i was enraged. i mean i was henry rollins enraged about this. whatever, anyhow. we finally get in and i proceed to geek out with carl in tow for about 4 hours. there was this one booth playing calabrese and i had a spirited discussion about them with one of the guys who worked there, only to leave irked at the fact that they didn't have the album for sale, despite the banc supposedly having played 2 or 3 shows in their comic shop. they did, however, have a traveling comic shop van, which was stupidly great.
so i geeked out for about 3.5 hours, all over the place, trying to see everything there was to see. we missed the stephen colbert appearance, like idiots.

and some little kid won a super sexy poster in the raffle.


gah. more later

i'll tell you about it later, maybe.
it was adoreable.

t h e l e t t e r A
Are you available?: so much
What is your age?: 23
What annoys you?: the first question, tweenies, lobster bisque, rent, baptists.

t h e l e t t e r B
Do you know anyone named Billy?: hairflip by billy orr. a modern classic
When is your birthday?: march 14th

t h e l e t t e r C
What's your favorite candy?: heath?
Who's your crush?: girls. umm, that girl with the awesome jacket who comes into the bookstore. but she buys bad manga. i mean, at least it's comics? but it's bad manga. fehhh.
When was the last time you cried?: when my family left after thanksgiving.

t h e l e t t e r D
Do you daydream?: i fictionalize reality.
What's your favorite kind of dog?: a shih-tzu i had from the time i was 9 to the time i was 19. his name was sushi. he was smelly and decrepit and amazing.
What day of the week is it?: monday, now? technically?

t h e l e t t e r E
How do you like your eggs?: giant-ass omlette. cheese. bacon.
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: yeah. couple times.
What's the easiest thing ever to do?: sleep.

t h e l e t t e r F
Have you ever flown in a plane?: i have ridden in a plane. while it was flying. i have never a) flown a plane as in piloted it, or b) flown in a plane, meaning to levitate myself while being inside a plane.
Do you use fly swatters?: only for swatting flies.
Have you ever used a foghorn?: what? no?

t h e l e t t e r G
Do you chew gum?: when i'm really afraid i have bad breath.
Are you a giver or a taker?: mostly a taker. all i give is how important i am. which might be taking. attention. time. you know. those things.
Do you like gummy candies?: not really.

t h e l e t t e r H
How are you?: breathing.
What's your height?: 6'
What color is your hair?: brown

t h e l e t t e r I
What's your favorite ice cream? peppermint
Have you ever ice skated?: no

t h e l e t t e r J
What's your favorite jelly bean? lime
Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: never.
Do you wear jewelry?: no.

t h e l e t t e r K
Who do you want to kill? zack rimler
Do you want kids: sure? if given the opportunity. and by the opportunity, i mean the opportunity to do it right. not just the opportunity to impregnate someone. although neither is really likely, at this point.
Where did you go to kindergarten? skinner toad!

t h e l e t t e r L
Are you laid back?: pfffffff. when i'm not irate.
Do you lie?: always. that was a lie.

t h e l e t t e r M
What was your favorite movie when you were little? high society? until i saw the maltese falcon.

t h e l e t t e r N
Do you have a nickname?: alec. form of maltese. obscene barbie. sir dr. horus q. penfeather III, esquire.
Whats your favorite number?: 47
Do you prefer night over day?: infinitely.

t h e l e t t e r O
What's your one wish?: coattails. and money. mostly money. ooh, and spats.
Are you an only child?: eldest. of 3.

t h e l e t t e r P
What are you most paranoid about?: ex-girlfriends. future ex-girlfriends. everything.

t h e l e t t e r Q
Are you quick to judge people?: not quick enough

t h e l e t t e r R
Do you think you're always right?: obviously
Do you watch reality tv?: no. tv. ever.
Whats a good reason to cry?: the emo. when it happens.

t h e l e t t e r S
Do you prefer sun or rain?: rain.
Do you like snow?: like to see it. don't like to deal with it.
What's your favorite season?: fall.

t h e l e t t e r T
What time is it?: 236am time for me to be working.
What time did you wake up?: 1130am
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: 3 years ago? maybe.

t h e l e t t e r U
Can you ride a unicycle?: decidedly not.

t h e l e t t e r V
What’s the worst veggie?: green

t h e l e t t e r W
What's your worst habit?: interrrupting. correcting people's grammar. rushing in. ruining it. obsessing.
Where do you live? delaware.

t h e l e t t e r X
Have you ever had an x-ray?: yes.
Have you seen the x-games?: no.
Do You Own A Xylophone?: i had a ukelele when i was 6. where was that at u, huh? fuck you.

t h e l e t t e r Y
Do you like the color yellow?: no
What year were you born in?: `83

t h e l e t t e r Z
Do you believe in the zodiac: no. but it continues to be accurate.

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? here. work.

2. Who will be your next kiss? never.

3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet? my vagina.

4. When is the last time you went to the mall? at least 2 months.

5. Are you wearing socks right now? si.

7. Do you have feelings for someone? not in the way you mean, anymore, really. no.

8. What did you last drink? grape drink.

9. What are you wearing right now? uniform. khakis. fucking khakis.

10. What was your last purchase? milk. grape drink.

11. Last Food You Ate? mac n cheese with italian sausage and corn in it.

12. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? stephanie.

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? no

14. Do you have a pet? non.

15. What's the last sporting event you watched? soccer?

16. What is your favorite class? ha.

17. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be? next thursday.

18. What is the last thing you purchased online? tickets.

20. What's your favorite soup? mexican tortilla

21. Do you miss anyone? CT

22. Last play/musical you saw? o, brother where art thou.

23. What were/are your plans for the day? work. nap. work. dinner, shower, nap. work.

27. What do you know about the future? armageddon

28. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? no

31. Do you have a tan? god, no.

32. How old do you want to be when you have kids? alive

33. Who was the last person that hugged you? that myspace SIF. ew.

34. Do you have any tattoos or piercing: nope.

35. Have you drank soda through a straw: have you ever drunk soda through a straw. damn. and yes.

37. Do you like hot sauce? i'm too white.

40. What is your mood? lame.

41. What makes you mad? mutant moon pies. ben affleck. high school poetry. poor grammar.

42. What's the last movie you watched? departed.

so.
i stull don't have the internet at home. i've kind of gotten over it. i use the computer at work. a lot. like, a lot more than i'm supposed to, butuntil i get in trouble, i'm not worried about it.
speaking of work, i guess they want to sort of halfway promote me. basically i'll have to work a couple afternoons a week and do some extra paperwork. but it means a title that looks better on a resume and probably a little more money. and i get to keep my sweet no-human-interaction-vampire-night-hours. which is actually nice, for me. lord knows i haven't anything else to do, nights. not in delaware, i don't.
but that does not preclude me from having things to do elsewhere. i'm going to the nyc comicon a week from today. it's going to be awesome. and going to brooklyn, besides, to see carl. should be a good time. carl is kind of a guaranteed good time.
then on march 10th for her break/my birthday, i'm going to see stephanie in philly. i've sort of worked out my finances as such that i should probably actually have some moneys for that adventure. i was worried, with it being so close to nyc, but it looks good. word up.
i guess i'm just working in april.
in may i'm headed back to ct for my brothers confirmation around the 11th. it's my dad's birthday, too. and rich's is the 20th, so i miiiight be able to stay long enough to do something for that. i'd kind of like to be moving back by then, but i think the reality is that i'm unlikely to have my shit prepared by then, just looking at the finance aspect of it. fingers crossed, though. unlikely, but fingers crossed.
i recently found this artist, egon schiele, in the art section at work, and he's totally ruling me right now. besides being an insane artist, he's this weird metaphysical poet guy, plus he's got this fascinating bio. he was living in a city, drawing all this perverted sexual stuff -which is fine in the city- and then he moved out to the country and started having village girls model for him. so one little lolita girl is so transfixed by him that she runs away, and he's sent to prison for abducting her.
i know, right?
dude's a genious. and i know, as usual, my idea of art is what most high intillectialys would call pathetic, but i can see a huge amount of his influence in kent williams' stuff. and i fucking love kent williams. as usual, i'm working backwards. finding artists that were influences on artists i like. but hey, it works for me. his use of color and shading also reminds me a lot of phil hale. and, more tenuously, in terms of tone and color palate (and sheer perversion,) ashley wood.
again, if you know your art ass from your elbow, you probably disagree with me, or are mollified that i'd compare a classical artist to these modern-day comic book people.
too bad. egon schiele painted vaginas. a lot of vaginas. that means you basically don't get to get high and mighty on me.
anyway. things on my calendar. good art.
i've been stealing more from the bookstore. we're doing inventory, which makes it easy to get away with. i'm an awful evil bastard, but it's a releif to my wallet. and hey, i still pay for all my special orders. i know, it's childish to steal, but it's also obscenely convenient, so what're you gonna do, right?
my roommate has been missing for a little over a week. i went past worry in, like, 5 minutes, and now i'm at a point where i know i'm going to be straight-up annoyed when she finally does come home and i have to share the space, again.
very weird, though. i mean have you ever just taken off for a week? no warning, no plan, nothin. weird. she was probably houssitting again, or something, but it's just so unbelievable to me that someone would have a house and nevber ever be there. of course in it's current state,i can sort of see her point.
myspace is more useless than ever, and my interactions concerning it are becoming more depressing. i really ought to just delete it and give up.
really.
i really ought to.
but i won't.

because i'm holding out that someday, maybe, there's another future ex-mrs. alec burris. and then my heart will be broken so i'll be inspired, and i can write whatever sob story piece of alec fictional universe canon i'm making this year. (see also: starfish, perfect sweatshirt, every train station you see is a time machine. there also would have been one called 'apartment 5-a, which involved a guy being in love with a neighbor he never met, but i used the ending from that in perfect sweatshirt, so i trashed it. i'm working on one right now called 'wedding gift,' but i'm not emo enough to get the heart of it right, right now. if i was really driven, i'd finish the '3-bullets' murder by death story, but i don't even know where the original is, at this point.)
no good music, lately. suggestions.
i'm tired. i have to go home and wipe off every cd i own, because they're all covered in milk.
but that's another tale for another time. and i'm off like a herd of turtles.

so even though i'm supremely lame, it's been nice doing nothing but working, cleaning and watching movies with the house to myself for 4 days. i just wish i'd gotten more accomplished. i'm either becoming complacent to the clutter in the house, or it really is all stuff that cheryl has to deal with, and she's never there. which is nice, except if i get the house to myself 4 days every week, i'd rather have a clean house to myself, you know? it's getting there. i think i've got an idea for a storage system for the comics, too, which is good. like everything, it's backlogged so i can pay for other stuff, but it's on the agenda.
the agenda basically looks like this:
comicon (tickets, train tickets, spending budget, walkin around money.)
rent?
utilities???
wash/vaccum/repair my car. also put in that new battery i got for xmas.
buy a bunch of house improving crap to get home in complete order. frames.
oh, crap, the cell phone bill.

and my calendar looks like this:
-feb 22-26: NYC COMICON (yeah, i'm a nerd, shaddup)
-march 8thish? philly to visit el stephania; industraloo kungfu kickapoo
-pi: day of birthing. $$$, please
-may 11, or something? back to ct for willy's confirmation. i'm his sponsor, apparently. dads bday, after. may try to stick around till rich's but in all probability can't afford it.

booty.

ah ratfinks, i need to be working. later.

i have begun work on my memoirs.

no, really.

in my mind.

no longer allowed online at work, disconnecting internet for the move, more later. bye for now, i guess. like i was using it, anyway.

valentines day can eat a dick.
i can't believe i'm seeing hearts and shit, already.

unless it makes someone desperate enough to go for me.

but you know what groucho marx said: "i wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member."

now imagine me wiggling my eyebrows and puffing on a cee-gar.
and exiting
stage left.

january- blockbuster
february- amanda
march- birthday
april- goodbye
may- delaware
june- the wedding of the millenium
july- painting sucks
august- new jobs
september- the swing of things
october- dissapointment-oween
november- spx/no friends
december- a rolicking x-mas back home


there you go. that was my whole year. i hung out. i got some comic books. i watched some movies. i was buried alive by delaware. the end.

anyway, the rest of the ct trip was basically no one calling me all morning, family brunch at the sushi place, where i consumed exactly zero sushi, since i'm juss not as cool as i pretend to be, sometimes. and also me hanging out with adam and buying cough drops, and then sitting around the house when everyone was asleep, with soph gone. it was a pretty lame last day, but i got plenty of sleep, which was necessary. the trip home was blissfully short, and included one super-dissapointing stop at the dover comic store.
that was my trip, yay.

moving on. and this is for feedback, though will seems to be the only one who ever leaves me any.

i had my review at the hotel. which was, naturally, stupendous. i got a retroactive $.50/hr raise and heaps of praise. which i still think is funny, because i really do think a monkey could pretty much do this job. i guess i'm just the best monkey they've got. anyhow, the other point of interest during the review was that they offered me a position during the summer as front desk night manager. which would be a good career/resume move. it would also enable/necessitate quitting the bookstore. and it would mean a) no more so-easy-i-can-do-it-in-my-sleep night shifts, and b)i would be comitted to staying in delaware for at least another solid year. i still have to talk to them about what kind of pay we're talking aboot, and figure out what they plan to do with an extra manager once the summer rush is over. because either 1) everyone's moving up a notch on the totem pole, 2) they shuffle me off to parts unknown (which i'm fine with, kinda,) or 3) it's a ruse to get me to go to days and i'll never get a promotion.

i'm also struggling with the idea of becoming an adult corperate sellout person. i guess i've hit that stage in my life where it's time to decide to be an independant but struggling peon forever, or losing the soul and becoming a good little robot-boy productive member of society. what i always promised i'd never be.
even though it's neither of the stereotypes i'd always dreaded/despised: a retail assistant manager or an office drone. it's still the same thing. the trade of whatever fleeting aspirations i might yet cling to for a salary and a, ha, ahem, "career."

i guess i'm goin to take it, probably. it's really the only smart thing to do. i was planning on staying here a little while longer, anyway. and this means whenever i decide to transfer/leave, i have something real to move into/count on as my next job. instead of more meneal peon minimum wage graveyard shift bullshit. don't get me wrong. the graveyard shift's been good to me. i like it. i think it works really well with what a boring person i am, since i have no social life and really no hopes for one. but i'm getting to that age where i really cant skirt these big decisions forever. let's face it. i can't say i think any of my childhood dreams will ever be a reality, i don't really have any interest in going back to school, and this is a solid, paying, resume-worthy career-type job. i'd be a complete moron to say 'no.'

i guess i'm really only typing this so we can all collectively mourn my "potential."
though my artist's spirit has been in a noted and steady decline for at least the last year. probably a lot longer than that, but on a more gradual slope. i'm too realistic, these days. i see the end of everything in the seed of it's beginnings. i see the eventual outcome of every action. like watching formulaic sitcoms and knowing what has to happen next. it feels more like a spectator sport than, y'know, living. and that makes it difficult to find inspiration. no, to recieve inspiration. inspiration is just as abundant as ever it was, but i seem to be receptive to less of it. music no longer moves me the way i remember it doing. i don't end up in tears, questioning the meaning of everything at the end of every film.
of course, it could be argued that the quality of both these art forms has dimished in modern society, and argued well. but the point is that if you have the artists heart in you, you'll find the inspiration somewhere. and i seem to be feeling less of it, of late.
then again, i havent had a girlfriend in awhile. or any really notable prospects, either. and that's always a solid source for inspiration, through the ages.
mayhaps.
mayhaps that's all i need.
but that would be an awful large expectation to put on someone. so until i find someone. preferably someone capable of carrying that weight from time to time, i'm gonna go with the dying inside. i wish there ws a way to illustrate that with more eloquence, but we've just established that my artistry seems to be wearing out on me these days.

thoughts?

other that that i'm just an overthinking neurotic.
i know that already.
that's one of those foregone conclusions i was talking about.

1. brick.
2. shortbus.
3. proposition.
4. prestiege.
5. kiss kiss, bang bang.
for now.

christmas in ct
was:
worthwhile
refreshingly cold
rejuvinating
clarifying

the trip, overall was well worth it. and i don't mean just for the presents, either. though i did make out like a bandito.
and i miss the purity of nice, frozen air.
and scarf-wearing.
even if there wasn't any snow there, either.
there's just something about my trips home that i find to be inherantly restorative. i don't know why. it's not the house, for sure. because it's not the house i grew up in, and it's still always barren of food, freezing, and full of people eavesdropping and going to bed early.
also my family.
got to see soph and will, which was cool.
i feel sort of guilty for never spending that much time with the fam when i'm home. i just have so much to do.
got home wednesday, did dinner and the christmas thing (we ran late getting in so they were nice enough to hold dinner for me. ham. yum.) and i got some nice presents. kingdom hearts 2 from lil bro, tons of shit from dad, some of which i'll get into in a second. new ghostface from lil sis. you know, 'cause she so hard.
among the many things from dad was an oil change and diagnostic for my car. to sweeten the fact that it is now paid off and officially mine. of course there was shit wrong with it, and that was the end of my xmas moneys, but hey. i had a good weekend, the trip was paid for, the car is mine, and i got my cell turned back on. so it's all good. all in all the weekend left me feeling like i still got a ways to go, but i'm on my way to getting my shit together. now i just need a plan. some direction, maybe.
stephanie and i began that conversation, but didn't pursue it when it became apparent that i hadn't gotten together any more ambition or direction than the last time we talked about it. and rather than veer towards that dead end conversation, we just had fun.
steph was definitely the most fun of all the people i saw this weekend. and in spite of that one weird 3 month period of estrangement, she's proved herself time and again to be one of my best and most worthwhile, loyal friends. good people.
tina was...
tina was tina.
and kyle.
everyone knows my feelings on kyle and tina. i think it's good she's grown out of her old party party high school mentality friends. i think it's a terrible pity that she's found no one else to be friends with. i think he's a good boyfriend and an ok guy, finally, but stil kind of a prick. if that makes sense. he's a good person, he's just a pretentious ass. speaking as a pretentious ass, that's annoying.
so i wasn't terribly thrilled to have him hanging out with us the whole day. but in the end he left so we could have just some alec/tina time. we watched grimms fairy tales anime on alluc, and then i went to corey and dee's.
i miss tina, but not as much as i once did. and i think i've finally accepted that it would have been nice to date her at some point, but it did never and will never happen.
over it.
which, being as i'm alec burris, even i'm inclined to believe is a lie. this time, though, i think i may have actually done it.
or maybe she's just happy enough with him these days that she didn't flirt with me and get me all jumbled up and pathetic. either way.
what's done is done.

as for corey and dee...
sigh.
it's weird. but it's always weird, with those two. and i sometimes wonder if their relationship works without me providing balance. then i realize i'm a damn narcissist, and the world does not revolve around me. but it does seem like things are degenerating without me around. i think that has a lot to do with core's car being gone and dee working umpteen hours a week, and making the lion's share of the moneys. also, corey seems pretty ready to implode at work, i guess, of late. good to see them. would have liked more time with them, but i got to see them at least. so that was good.

merry christmas.

my phone is still not working.
i am returning to ct on the 27th at some time.
i am leaving the 31st at some other time.

wednesday is for me famillia
thursday i am booked for a stephanie-ing
friday is tina time
saturday is not yet spoken for
sunday i leave.

sometime after 11 on any or all of those nights i will be seeing corey and dee.
i will probably visit the diner and be disgusted.
and i will not want to leave.

i wish i had something planned with liz, because along with steph, adam, carl and dee, she's one of the people who always stays in touch, not just the week before i get back.
(sorry, t, but it's true.)
i'd sort of like to run into val, too.
and hopefully adam will come through the backyard to chill at some point.

the only people to visit me so far are:
adam.
stephanie.
my family.

and i don't know howmuch longer i'm going to be here, but seriously, if we're friends forreal, you need to get down here.

i want $$$ for x-mas.
scratch that.
need.

i haven't had tales to tell, lately. it's ok, because i haven't been reading enough to upgrade my langage useage to anything super-storyteller. it is regrettable, however, that nothing has happened.

my fingernails stopped growing. either i need to eat more vegetables, or i have been dead for some time.

alluc.org now rules my life.
i'm almost finished with the 6th japanese season of naruto.
it's still sort of ninja pokemon crap.
but pirates 2 proved that i love crap.

and i now try to harness my chakra every time i take a shit.
it's pretty incredible.

christmas with doom is dissapointing.

my family was here for thanksgiving. i miss them. i cried for about 20 minutes after i put them on the ferry. i miss home and delaware will never be it, but i have to see this through a little further. i just want to see an end point and have a plan.
for all my cynicism, i still believe in love, and that it exists. and i hope that only being a good person to the few i care about is enough to make me not a complete asshole.
i miss connecticut. and snow. i miss my family. i miss stephanie in three ways: the way i miss anyone i'm that close to, the way i miss being in a relationship with anyone, and the foregone conclusion in my mind that we will begin to drift apart again because she is finally in a real relationship with someone and that someone is not me. and i'm not mentally stable enough to deal with that healthily, so we just won't talk about it. i
which makes me half a friend, and sort of a lame jilted ex i have no interest in playing. sort of like things are with tina, these days.
it's actually pretty pathetic that i can't deal with one of my friends having a lasting and healthy relationship that dosen't require my advice or validation.
not just because they're girls i like or have liked, either. basically any of my friends finding themselves in a nice healthy relationship, i assume an eventual severance. at least a partial one. holy damn. i'm really only figuring this out as i'm writing it. but that makes me a helluva needy bastard.
i talked to liz today, and we spoke about men (boys, in my case), and how a man's relationship and attitudes with his mother is a glimpse into his relationships and attitudes with women and, eventionally, with a partner or a wife. and that scared the shit out of me. because i have no respect for my mom, i think she's sort of dumber than she actually is, and i have not felt able to talk to her about anything in at least 10 years. criminy. i honestly hope to be an exception to the standard. because a) i like to think i treat most people i care about pretty well, especially if they're girls, and b)i don't like being a dick to anyone. well, i don't like feeling like a dick, is a more accurate statement. but either way. trying to minimize being a jerk, insofar as my sarcasm-core heart-drive will allow.
i like reading books about human beings. i like human beings, lately, but i still hate humanity. i thinks people have a lot of subtle and quiet poetry in them, if you just let them go. feelings are a good thing, even though they can be quite a bother from time to time. in the long run, the good outweighs the bad. or at least counterbalances enough to justify it.
and someday i will be as much of who i really am as i can be. i'm working on it. maybe after i work on the who, i can get to the where and the why. or the where to, more accurately.
i have too many possibilities and not enough direction. but a lot of friends and aquaintances who are underappreciated, who i only notice when i'm musing philosophical. i hope they at least like when i remember to notice. otherwise it's all a little too one-sided.

i miss feeling complete.

in the purple rain

i really need to be doing work.
but it's bullshit and i don't wanna.
so.

my fam comes in 3 days. i'm excited and nervous. i have so much cleaning to do. i'm in OCD overdrive and can't ever sleep, cos there's too much to do.
we found a new comic store, so i spent all of my car-fixin money. oops. ah well.
shortbus was even more awesome than i thought it would be. i am now set on seeing the new james bond movie. not of the same caliber, but i takes what i can gets.

it is starting to look like i will have a place to stay down here when the lease expires: with the fat lesbian girl i work with at the hotel. she has a house and no (paying) roommates, and she should be needing a little help come january.

in other news, stephanie is now officially dating her new fellah. and i kind of only feel ambivalent to the entire thing. i can hear her treading on eggshells when she talks about it, because she dosen't want to tell me more than i want to know and make me all crazy. i feel kind of bad that she feels the need to do this and that i can't actually be happy for her either, but not being crazy is a pretty good tradeoff, i think. i'm rather sure she'd agree.

also, i may possibly have paid off the epic karmic debt of the stolen brooks brothers jacket, because i had a couple of weirdly fortuitous and suspiciously proximal minor events:
the stupid radio jammer/adapter i bought to "replace" my car's cd player died. and within 30 minutes of this happening, the cd player itself miraculously coughed out the cd that's been stuck in there for the last 6 months. it now seems to be completely healed. display works properly, cds eject and everything. it's awesome. i forgot how much better things sound on the actual cd player. i'm re-listening to everything i've bought over the past couple months and it makes a world of difference. pretty psyched. one more thing i actually won't have to fix. for a while at least. fingers crossed. knock on wood.

and finally, i would like to issue a public street fighter challenge to any and all takers.
i want to play you at street fighter. i might lose. i might not. i'm pretty good, and it seems to be becoming a lost art. i need to find people who love to play streetfighter. it's one of the things i miss most about ct. mike coming over almost every other day to battle. and dee playing king of fighters with me in my off time. i miss it. and i need to keep sharp. c'man. i don't have that many skills or things i can be proud of. ruling hard at street fighter is inanely important to me.

that is all.
i spend too much time on the internet.